*** There is a fantastic resource about Coming Out over on the GLYNI website ***
There is no single, textbook way of letting your friends and family know you are LGBT. Families and backgrounds differ and what is right for one person may be totally wrong for another. Very few parents will ever consider that their son or daughter might be gay, even those who have had their suspicions, may be angry or shocked. Remember, you have had your whole life to consider your sexuality and come to terms with it, your parents and friends will have had no time at all. Your parents may find it difficult to accept that there is a part of your life they never knew about, whilst your friends may find it difficult to accept that you’re not the person they thought you were.
Time will hopefully prove that nothing about you has essentially changed. It is important to give your friends and family time to digest the information and to reassure them that nothing about you has changed… you’re just the same as you’ve always been and by telling them even more so.
Of course you should come out when you feel ready and comfortable, However, if you are unsure of how the people around you will react then choose a time when your family and friends are as relaxed as possible…if you or you family are under some stress then the coming out process can become much harder. You may find it useful to test the water by discussing a gay celebrity or friend and judge their reaction to this.
Many parents feel uncomfortable discussing sex with their children. Therefore, the idea that their child has not only considered sex but has discovered their own sexuality can be hard to digest. If you have a partner whilst coming out then reassure your parents that you are safe and loved.
In the immediate reaction there are certain things that nearly all parents say. These include “How can you be sure at your age?”, “I went through a phase like this, you’ll grow out of it”,”You haven’t tried hard enough with the opposite sex”, and, ominously, “What about this terrible AIDS?” These are difficult things to answer if you feel at all unsure of yourself. So it is best to be prepared for this kind of reaction and to be sure of yourself….if you feel that you’re not completely sure of your sexuality then it may be best to talk to somebody who is not so closely related, a welfare officer (like myself) or a trusted friend may be a better person to talk to than a parent. If you’re not too sure then it might not be the best thing to come out when any questions that are asked you may not be able to answer. Obviously though, it depends on your family situation. If you do come across these questions then consider mirroring the same the questions to them. For example: ‘when did you first realise that you were straight?’ etc.
For some LGBT people, coming out can be hard and there are a number of organisations that can help provide support for your parents and friends if they react badly to you. On the whole though it can just take time to digest.
Coming Out at University
When you arrive at university, you might find loads of openly gay people, and you might find some who decide to tell you a few weeks in, or not until your final year. Everyone is unique and in a different position personally, emotionally and physically. It can be nerve wracking, but it can also be an incredibly exciting experience like university in general.
In our experience people who come to Queen’s are generally accepting and laid back people. Telling your flatmates up at Elms or the people on your course could be daunting and you may fear losing them as friends but this rarely happens. If it does then maybe they aren’t the right crowd for you and you’ll have all the support you could need here at QUB LGBT. You will meet so many more people who will appreciate you for who you are.
Coming out isn’t a one off event, it is very much an ongoing process. Typically it starts with admitting to yourself that you are gay, lesbian, bi, trans or open minded. Then if you don’t already accept yourself, acceptance can come next. Many people gradually start telling the other people in their lives but it’s your choice. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, after all it’s just one aspect that makes up your identity.
Useful Links
http://www.wsmsh.org.uk/coming-out/index.html
